Brief synopsis: 4 relatives have died, my mother had a stroke, my brother has faced multiple surgeries and my husband lost his job and his addiction to pain pills has reached alarming levels.
I've been lost, trying to find my way back.
And there you are…
Listen to this song
I've been trained from an early age by the old adage
"Never let them see you cry"
All my crying is done in private. Not from shame but merely a protective mechanism.
When you live surrounded by narcissist you learn to show no weakness.
Whereas normal people feel compassion and perhaps empathy with people in pain narcissist only want to put the boot in while your vulnerable. They attack when they feel you aren't prepared to fight back. They're basically cowards and I think it's their fear they project when they start their bombasting. Understanding them and being able to live with them are different things altogether.
Narcissists are not particularly clever, although they find themselves to be so. They are usually fairly dim individuals, I firmly believe it comes from never removing their heads from their own assholes.
"What about me" is their mantra.
Other people exists as pawns for them to use in order to get what they want.
They always want something, always. They are coveters, when you covet there is an endless river of wants, or needs as I've come to discover narcissists see it.
There's no distinction between the two for them.
If indeed they ever do deem to help you in any way the price you pay will find you being relieved when they don't.
You'll forever owe them for any little kindness, ten years after having one take you to lunch they'll still be reminding you "Remember when I took you …." It won't matter if you've done it a hundred times since then for them they'll only remember what they did for you and remind you of it over and over expecting the same gratitude and praise as the original event.
It's all very exhausting.
That's how they do it, they wear you down.
I think most people feel that there's good in everyone, I believe myself it's humanity that causes us to think this. Animals know instinctively when another animal has no soul.
People aren't that smart.
It's our own failings that make us continue to tolerate a narcissist. My own theory is that arrogance is the mainstay of the hold they keep over a person.
I'm speaking from my own experience here so there's no validity to my finding, just my own introspective. I've always been for the underdog, feeling as though if you just believe in someone enough they'll believe in themselves.
Simple right?
Arrogance. You can't change people. Who decides how a person should behave?
Dustin Hoffman had a quote in Hero
"All there is is bullshit, pardon my vulgarity here, layers of it.
One layer of bullshit on top of another. And what you do in life, when you get older is, you pick the layer of bullshit that you prefer and that's your bullshit, so to speak."
There's a saying that it's not selfish to live your life the way you think you should, it is however selfish to expect others to live they way you think they should.
I let them live their lives, it's all I wanted in return.
We don't have the same layers of bullshit but they refuse to let me move onto mine.
Everyone says, so go, what's stopping you?
Ever heard the phrase, I guess you had to be there?
Some traps snap shut quickly and loudly and you know immediately you're in one.
Others are slow and insidious like quicksand and before you know it you're mired and can't get out.
You struggle until you can't fight anymore and slowly but beyond a shadow of a doubt you stop struggling because you don't have the strength to fight anymore.
You'll have rallies and struggle more but the only way to really get free is to store your energy reserves and plan your escape.
That's where I'm at, it's now or never.
I won't act rashly, I'll work it out in my mind a s completely as I can but make no mistake I have to go.
Like Nanny McPhee…When you need me but do not want me then I must stay, When you want me but no longer need me, well then I must go.
I quote others in order to express myself more fully, ever heard that one.
Yeah I've got my peccadillo's, quoting others being one of them, annoying to most but I had hoped one day for someone to find endearing. I'm letting go of that little fantasy.
There is no knight in shining armor, life isn't a movie and it comes down to merely trudging.
To trudge, when there is nothing left to do but soldier on….
Time… The trouble is you think you have time.
Buddha also states, No matter how hard the past you can always begin again.
Can I? I'm not a quitter, I'm a trudger, just wish I could get out of the muck to do it.
It'll take a big effort on my part, I've been inside myself for a long time so now I'm putting it in black and white, so to speak, seeking clarity.
I haven't given up fantasy altogether, Jesus, now there's a terrifying thought.
Give up my imaginary lover? What then? What then indeed.
I need it like air to breathe, it keeps me going when the dark closes in.
I have escapes. YouTube and Tumblr being my favs.
I will be forever grateful to Keanuquotes for leading me there, it's the only release from life I have right now. I've got so little free time right now, I'm in a hospital waiting room right now so I'm taking advantage of this opportunity to revisit some old haunting grounds. I'm ready to reclaim my life but patience will out.
I wish I could find some one who would tell me its okay not to be okay.
All this blathering when the only thing I'm really trying to say is...
Be True To Who You Are
