Changeling...For as long as I can remember my mother and family referred to me this way. You see I wasn't like them so to explain my ways they would tell me I had been left in place of the real baby. Since I had always felt like I didn't belong in this world anyway I guess I accepted their logic. I never wanted to be like them but that is another blog. I don't know if it's made my life easier or not but I do think I see things differently sometimes. I've just been made to realize that I don't covet what others have. Not that I don't see something and think oh that's nice but that I don't want what others have. I want things that are my own and original. I drive a Dodge truck and I do my own nails and don't do the spa scene or even wear lipstick. [ I don't like the way it tastes ] I'm not a lesbian and I am not a girly girl. I love to make things grow, I garden. I love laying in the sun and reading. It's about the only time besides meditating that I really relax. I escaped into books because you could have a measure of control there.
I am a loner by choice not because I don't like people but because I have a bad habit of letting people use me. My mother used to beat it into me that I needed to put others first and never ever want anything for myself or I was just a selfish little bitch. You know how people have a way of projecting their sins onto others ? It took me a long time to realize if someone keeps accusing you of something you know you aren't guilty of it's usually their own indiscretion. People always want to bring you to their level and if you refuse to go for whatever reason they get alarmed and defensive. They won't accept that you are just different and seem to take offense that I have the temerity to not want to be exactly like them.
I truly despise lemmings. They are cowards and as far as I am concerned [imho] most of what is wrong with the world. I cannot imagine why people do anything the majority does because they are afraid of not fitting in. So what if you don't fit in what you need to ask yourself is , do I want to fit in ? I really don't care what people who mean nothing to me think about me. Why should I? I don't spend my time thinking about people I don't give a damn about so why should they do it? I don't even try to understand them anymore but I don't want them in my life as I find them tiring to say the least. Quotidian.
Life is so short and I have been paying dues for too long. There's a saying that { Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, they became a butterfly.} I'm ready to spread my wings and fly. Since I have been unable in this lifetime to find someone who listens to me I am going to write it out. What the hell , that's the great thing about the Internet ,there is so much out there that my little bit of fluff is not going to bother anyone and more than likely no one will ever see any of this. I don't think I would do this otherwise. I keep everything inside and no one knows me. I have walls put up that no one penetrates. I don't know why but I feel like I have to get all this out of my system so I can make room for something creative. I never kept a diary, my mother was the nosiest bitch who ever lived,so I'm using this outlet to get rid of these thoughts so I can put them away and make them a memory.
If for some reason you happen to stumble across this and take the time to read my disjointed
messages please be kind in your thoughts of me as I am not trying to justify the way I think ,I just want to be allowed to have an opinion. We used to live in a world where people were allowed to have an opinion even if it wasn't the same as the mainstream. This pc crap that passes today is a fucking joke. Just a bunch of leemings racing to the edge of the cliff terrified of being singled out and ridiculed. Maybe it doesn't bother me so much because I make more fun of myself than anyone. "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than die with the saints. The sinners are much more fun. " When it's all said and done if there is a God [and that's another blog] don't you think he wanted us to be happy. Whatever, I have decided to take my happiness back and your welcome to come along if you want. Kind of like finding a stranger's diary in a book store, probably boring but maybe good for a laugh.
Cheers, Amelie
