Did ya ever see a poor man dance, it's where's the living hurts ya more than dying
Did ya ever see a poor man dance, they tend to give it all they got
It's the only thing they have
One more roll of the dice, deal me just the one more hand
I'm free wild and single and I'm going down the river
That's all I understand
By February I'm dragging out my heat movies.
I get the winter blues so bad sometimes I don't think I'll make it thru another.
I have my old standards to help me get by.
I watch movies that depict heat and sun and water, all the things I don't have.
Some of my favorites are Death on the Nile, Much Ado about Nothing and The Long Hot Summer.
I read books about places so hot you can't get out of the hammock to go to bed.
I go to Beldame almost every year. RIP Michael McDowell.
This year it's not happening.
I can't psych myself out anymore.
I can't live this lie.
Since I was a kid I've dreamed of living where the sun shines all the time and there is no winter.
It feels like I've been cold my whole life.
I was made promises so many years ago that were never fulfilled.
But you know working two jobs and moving every year for so long before you know it you haven't done anything you wanted because so many others had to come first.
You look in the mirror and ask yourself what the hell happened ?
For a long time you try to blame others, it's human nature isn't it?
When it comes down to it though the only thing that happened was life.
Just life.
We're all damaged aren't we?
Some more than others but I think we all have some damage.
You couldn't be human without being beat up a little by the forces of human nature. Parents, school, friends , lovers, they all leave their unseen scars.
The real long term damage though , the kind that lasts , we do to ourselves.
The mind is a powerful tool, it can do as much good as damage but it usually doesn't.
Sometimes I feel like I've spent my life paying for other people's sins.
I'm told we make our own lives and everything we do we do to ourselves so if this is true I must be a masochist.
Lately I have come to the realization that no one has ever loved me.
Not real love , unconditional love.
By that I mean when you love someone so much they don't have to love you back.
I believed words and overlooked actions.
There's no one to blame but me. There's no one who can change it but me.
I can feel the changes coming on.
People close to me are worried.
It's funny that people never realize that you control someone only as long as they allow it. Why do people want to control others?
I've tried to explain , if you love someone you want them to be happy, even if it means they aren't with you because if they are miserable being with you and you cling onto them how can you call that love?
Have you ever tried to hold a cat that doesn't want to be held ?
No matter how tight you squeeze or how securely you hold their paws they will continue to struggle until they are free.
You can't force them to love you.
You have to earn their love and prove you are trustworthy.
You can put them in a cage and feed them and pet them but it still won't make them love you.
Blue day ,blue mood, please forgive a soul in need.
It's another day when the sun is gone , guess I'll turn on some music and start my day.
Later I'll have a cuppa , put on a heat movie ,close my eyes and slip away.
Cheers, Amelie
