I ran across a picture of KCR from the movie Street Kings , it's a mirror shot , he does those but this one hits home right now.
Have you ever done this ?
Suddenly you notice yourself and you're not happy with what you see.
This is when all the pretension and protection we've placed around us falls away and all you're left with is your true reflection.
Most of the time as in this scene you shake it off and continue with your day but sometimes you can't look away.
Sometimes you just have to suck it up and face yourself.
Easier said than done but I'm going to give it my best.
I've been complaining a lot about life in general and I guess I needed to get that out of my system but I really hate feeling that way so I've decided not to anymore.
Sometimes it really is that simple.
If you can't change your circumstances , change the way you look at them.
So I'm unhappy , this is my problem and I'm the only one who can change that.
It becomes so easy to lay the blame instead of owning your own but since I've never taken the easy way without being punished severely for it I need to get my act together and do what I need to do in order to be happy.
There comes a time when you realize you're going to die and no one will remember you.
Just like millions of others before and after you.
Most people have kids so there is that going for them.
A lot of us though make no mark on the world and aren't missed when we're gone.
Most times I don't mind but I do admire greatness and at times truly wish I could leave something , anything behind.
These blogspots they have now are great. Where else could you do this ?
It has everything , anonymity if you want like me or you can put it out for everyone to see and comment on if you want.
I never paid much attention until I saw Julie and Julia.
Now she wanted the feed back and attention whereas I prefer just using it as a journal and keeping it private.
The thing is you can have it any way you want it.
I could never have a journal or diary or anything.
My mother went thru my things constantly and my husband is the same.
It's a violation to have people paw thru your things as though nothing belongs to you and they can do as they please.
This blog is mine.
All mine.
I feel so selfish and yet also justified.
I'd rather not have to hide everything here but if it's the only way I can have it then so be it.
I'll give an example of why I don't allow my husband into my life anymore.
I put a picture on here my brother took of me and like a fool I printed a copy because I don't have any of me and I just wanted it.
He found it one night going through my desk while I was asleep , hence my insomnia problems , and left it on the table with a note saying
" Don't worry about how old you look because I'm getting older too. "
Now he will say this was a message of love but it wasn't.
He just wanted to ruin it for me and he did.
I can't look at it now without just seeing how old I am.
He's the only one who makes me feel that way.
But he made me look in the mirror and see what I've become so I'm grateful for the wake up call.
Narcissism is a strange disease.
They'll do things that ultimately only hurt them in order to feel some sort of power over people.
I've realized though that my arrogance is the reason for my continued imprisonment.
I couldn't believe that someone I would had loved could be the person he really was.
He lied and played games but I'm not an idiot and I'm the one who chose to believe rather than to see.
He wanted me to believe I was too old to start over and I've been in that mindset for a long time.
I always do this , it's like waking up from a long dream.
I look around and go WTF.
It also makes me take accountability.
It's very hard to take responsibility for your own actions.
And there is life also , life just happens.
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room ?
That's what my life feels like and I don't know if I can ever change that because I'm pretty sure I'm more afraid of what could happen than excited by it.
My trust issues are so serious I might not be able to overcome them but I really do think living alone is the only way to salvage any kind of reciprocation from the human race.
They aren't all like him.
I pity him I really do but damn it I need a life without him hanging on me like a weight. It's not fair he used my circumstances against me to keep me from leaving.
That's not what you do when you love someone.
You let them go if they need to.
He thinks he loves me.
He doesn't even know me.
I would like for someone to know me , the real me.
Maybe that's the reason I'm doing this.
It's reckless and contrary to my character.
I never tell people things.
I can't get this fecking song out of my head so let's have a listen and get on with the day.
Maybe there's someone out there who's as damaged as I am and needs to be saved too.
At least next week I'll get my computer fixed and have my pictutres back again.
As soon as I do I'm getting Damaged People on here.
It makes you understand the importance of not having everything on a flashdrive and on other sites.
Ah well for now let's just..
Cheers , Amelie
