I'm getting started early this year because I have two projects outside I want to get started on outside as soon as the weather improves.
I'm reminded of a remark my step son made to me.
He had been staying with us for the summer and he was keeping my house in a wreck. Between the two of them I was being treated like a maid.
My husband is a pig who leaves a trail of filth wherever he goes.
I once got a call from the people he worked with because they were desperate about the way he would come into the office tracking mud make a fucking mess and then leave it for the underlings to clean up after him.
You see to narcissists everyone except them is an underling.
I always refer to it as being an oaf.
Anyway I was cleaning the kitchen and using Murphy's Oil Soap on the cabinets ,
I love the way it smells , when Jarrett strolled thru and stood over me watching me.
He did that a lot. Watched me.
He was nineteen then and it was as if he had never seen a woman before.
It used to seriously creep me out.
Anyway he asked me if I liked to clean or just liked things clean.
I didn't know the answer at the time. I still don't.
You see the thought of having someone in my house cleaning it for me is disturbing to me.
I knew a girl who cleaned our office and she would tell me shit she woudl do to the rich people as she referred to them.
There was one woman in particular she really hated.
She said the woman was a bitch and treated her like a maid and she thought her husband was too good to her.
Well she was a maid and it was none of her business what the relationship between the husband and wife was.
It was just jealousy pure and simple.
Judy thought she should have that woman's life instead of her.
That's what people do , they want to live other people's lives.
Better be careful , no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Anyway Judy used to laugh about what she would do when she was supposed to be cleaning her house.
After she had finished the bathroom she would pee in the sink , and soak a couple of wash cloths in the pee then wipe them all over the place , the sinks the counter tops , the kitchen chairs , everything.
She had on rubber gloves so it didn't bother her.
She would throw their toothbrushes in it , soap whatever.
Then she would get in the refrigerator and spit into the mayonnaise and lick stuff that was in there.
I would ask her , Judy , why the hell do you do shit like that and she would get this look on her face that you can see on some people who think they deserve better even if they don't and say she 's got it coming , the fucking bitch.
She hardly even knew this woman and for all she knew the husband was a closet sadist or wife beater or whatever but Judy had made herself judge and jury in this caseand the woman was guilty of having what Judy thought she wanted.
Jealousy.
Probably the most damaging of emotions.
It makes my husband furious that I don't get jealous.
I've tried to explain to him that to be jealous of someone they have to have something you want.
I guess I don't want the things others have.
It's like my truck.
He hates my truck , thinks I should drive something more befitting what he thinks I should drive.
Fuck him I love my truck.
I write about her in Damaged People.
Her name is Jjaks.
I feel so safe when I'm in her with my music pounding and no mess from him. It's my only sanctuary from him.
He bought me a Jeep back in 04 thinking I would abandon my baby.
He finally started driving the Jeep and before long trashed it all to hell and my baby still chugs on.
She eleven years old now but I love her. We've been thru a lot together.
I don't have many pictures in this computer so I'll take one of her today so I can add a visual.
I'm having lunch with my brother today.
We haven't gone out in a long time and I'm looking forward to it.
We laugh a lot when we get together.
It pisses my husband off that my family laughs so much.
He thinks we should be more like his family and only laugh when we're cutting someone down.
I swear it's the only thing that makes those people happy.
Anyway Steve'll have a blunt rolled.
He's always trying to get me to convert but I'm old school.
We'll do some shopping , usually at the head shop and go out to eat.
He took his baby for it's last ride yesterday. He's selling this one.
I know he hates to do it but it's just sitting around not being ridden and that's no way to treat a Harley now is it ?
Every since we were little he's had toys.
We had a go cart when we were like seven that fucking flew.
It was so cool and hard as hell to roll , even though we managed.
From there is was on to mini bikes and later to motorcycles and ATV's he's had them all.
He's the only person I've ever ridden with , except of course Keanu in Damaged People but that is quite another experience than riding with my brother.
I need to get mine and Keanu's second ride on here.
It's when he decides to go to WV with me.
It's so frustrating not being able to get to my stuff.
I don't want t have to re scan everything into this one because I only use it to write Damaged People.
I've had it for three years but this is the first time I've connected to the Internet on it. I didn't want to risk a crash and lose it all.
At least by putting it here it can be safe until I print it.
The fact that I can't print it out with out fear of him finding it and ruining it for me reinforces my feeling of being in prison.
I can not wait until I have the freedom of having my own place with no one pawing thru my things all the time.
I might as well bite the bullet and call my ISP to try and get it online.
Pain in the ass but I had a major crash a couple of years ago and lost so much so at least this is just a glitch I've got to fix.
They said they were doing an upload which is what caused the trouble to begin with but damn for fifty a month I expect better service.
No matter what I end up doing I've got to get it done so I better get going.
Much to do today so I will leave you with this cute little fella stealing the photo op here.
Makes you want a seal doesn't it ?
I'd love to touch one and see what they feel like.
I like to touch.
Strange considering I don't like to be touched , but maybe it's just because of my husband and the way he's objectified me.
I'm hoping all that changes when I get my freedom.
I really have an aversion to strangers touching me though.
I'll never get a massage or mani pedi as the oh so cute idiots refer to it.
No one is touching my feet unless it's for other reasons.
I find the thought of sitting there treating a person like a sub human while they attend to my hands and feet like some sort of slave unappealing.
Have you ever seen the way people treat their manicurists.
Watch a movie sometime and see the way they act.
It's a though there isn't a person at your feet doing things you should do for yourself.
Oh well it's just not my way.
I've been doing my own since I was about ten.
Doesn't mean it's not cool for others just not me.
I know I'm a fucking freak , God knows I've been told all my life that I am but I'm reminded of a t-shirt I had a long time ago that said Dare To Be Different. That's been my mantra.
I don't want what everyone else has.
Well maybe Kenny Chesney but that's only because we share a dream of waking up to blue water and bright sun.
I hate wearing clothes and shoes.
Tank tops and flip flops if you got em please.
Now you know what , I'm not jealous of Kenny , I'm happy he's living the life.
Instead of being jealous I'm inspired.
I may want some of the things he has but the fame is not one of them.
I really feel sorry for famous people , at least Kenny can go to his island and sit in his blue chair and pretend he doesn't need the high he gets from it but sooner or later he's back on the road.
He's got to get his fix.
I'd rather wait back at the beach until he's gotten his fill and needs to connect with the underworld again.
In Damaged People I wait in Savannnah while Keanu does the fame thing then he comes to me for sanctuary. It works because neither of us wants to be the constant companion. We understand the need for solitude. Aslo the need to not be alone. Confusing aye ?
Kenny knows what it's like to live underwater.
He's an Aries but just barely and some Pisces traits are there.
He probably has a moon and other aspects in water signs.
He's one of my heros.
Love him , love his music , love his lifestyle.
He's been off for a couple of years but is back to touring now so maybe I'll get to see him.
I know I'm not missing anymore things I want to do because of my husband. He's kept me from doing so much because of his pathetic insecurities.
Fuck him I'm going out with Steve today and I'm putting in Kenny's dvd and life can be so damn good if you just let it.
There will be an answer...
Cheers , Amelie
