He who knows others is learned
He who knows himself is enlightened
Lau Tzu
The journey of a thousand miles begins beneath ones feet
Lau Tzu
Chinese speak for get off your ass and do what needs to be done.
I want to be enlightened but I'm not sure I want to know myself. To do that I would have to strip away all the protective walls I've built around myself. That thought is terrifying to me. Since I was young I've developed a way of dealing with things that are too hard at the time for me to accept. Sort of a disassociated state. I call it shutdown mode. It's when I feel like I'm losing control of my emotions and the only way to stop it is to feel nothing.
Very few people have ever seen me cry. Two actually. My mother taught me not to cry, not because she didn't want me to but because she did. She felt like if she could make me cry she had gotten to me. I can remember her standing over me beating me with whatever she could lay her hands on , screaming , cry you little bitch or I'll beat you to death. When you are very young you can't fight back but I was damned if I would cry. As I got older I would even smile at her or laugh while she swung and stomped away. I think the reason I hate it so much when you see someone standing over a helpless victim and kicking them is because of her doing it to me so much. I guess you had to be the victim to understand that feeling. I always feel a great urge to rush to their defense and help them up off the ground because no one belongs there. No one ever came for me.
Narcissists like causing pain. I know that now after studying the subject but as a child and a young girl I couldn't understand why the people who were supposed to love me hurt me so much. You know they say in every abusive family they will usually pick one target and all the members of the family will turn on them. In my case it was true. It seemed no matter what was done to me every one felt like I deserved it. My aunt Sharon watched her beat me once and she did her usual of planting her big ass foot [size 11] on my head and rubbing my face in the dirt. I got a piece of gravel stuck in my eye and so after she left for work my aunt poured salt water in it to keep it from getting infected. Talk about pain and the whole time she's bitching me out for pissing my mother off again. They talk about how women are care givers and so loving but not in my family, they were a bunch of sadistic whores. Sharon bought into the bullshit of me being evil and needing to be punished. [ this is another post] I can remember seeing her smile while my mom would beat the shit out of me and even keep her going by encouraging her to hit me with other things.
My first experience with a Taurus woman. I don't know why but they hate me. I send off some kind of vibe that just infuriates these woman. I think a lot of it is, I call them. Taurus women are always , constantly reminding you of how very much you owe them. They are really big on that. When I get sick of listening to it I'll start my shit of well why do I owe for the fact that you got me a glass of water and exactly how long do I have to continue owing you for that glass of water you got me even when I didn't ask you for one? See they want people to feel that they are so wonderful that their mere existence and the fact they allow you in their presence is sufficient for you to pay for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Now I'm only speaking from my own experience. I know no Taurus men only women but Pauline a psychic I went to in the eighties told me to stay as far away from Taurus women as I could because they will only cause me pain and suffering. My experiences have proven that to be true. You see it's something in me they just can't handle , I have no idea what but I'm pretty sure it's my attitude that if you do something for someone you don't do it so they are indebted to you. Also if I love someone I love unconditionally , they don't have to love me back. All things are not set in stone and everything changes daily but Taurus women can't get that. My husband's ex-wife and mother and two sister-in-laws were Taurus. Some of the most vicious hate filled women I have ever known. Men to them are paychecks and sperm donors.
I want a divorce in the very worst way. I know you say so get one. I wish it was that easy but I have separation issues. They aren't mine they are someone else's.
Very few will understand this without laying blame on me but when I leave they die. By that I mean they kill themselves. I broke up with my first boyfriend because he wanted to get married and I was only thirteen at the time and hadn't quite gotten desperate enough to go that route so after being pressured for a while I broke it off. We had dated since I was eleven and I wanted to see other people. I wanted to be friends but he said he had to be with me so I stopped talking to him. People do it every day and no one gets hurt. When he understood I meant it he went to the top of East River mountain, it's a place we all partied at and shot himself. He left a note saying he couldn't live without me all the usual stuff. He was eighteen.
Living in a small town and being branded a murderer is a hard childhood. Small town people are mean and every one knows everyone else's business. You wouldn't think it could get worse but it did.
I'm tired so I'll come back with the story of my first husband another time. He's the one who latched onto me after Richard. I've had a man attached to me my whole life and I didn't choose any of them. I don't want men in my life anymore. I've been celibate for over seven years now and am content with my imaginary lovers. They never let me down. They love me back. Not the obsessive sick shit the men I've known have called love.
My imaginary lovers love me unconditionally just as I do them. I would have liked to have known a normal love.
Normal love, I need some normal love, not a sickness or a madness just an everyday affair.....
Atlanta Rhythm Section
Cheers , Amelie
