Hell yeah, turn it up, right on
Hell yeah, sounds good, sing that song
Guitar man play it all night long
Take me back to where the music hit me
Life was good and love was easy.....
Montgomery Gentry
I keep returning to the summer of my fifteenth year in my mind. I know it wasn't because it was a particularly good time in my life but I think I have figured it out. I had a workout and then meditated for quite awhile.
Thank God for Dogstar's History Light. I had trouble meditating until I started using that song to center myself first. I love Bret's voice , it soothes the soul as they say. The music in that song is awesome and if you allow it to it will lift you to a higher level.
As I was saying my epiphany is that during that summer it was the last time I did not have a man attached to me. I had broken up with my boyfriend of three years and was only casually dating the guy who would become my first husband. It was the only time in my life I had the freedom most take for granted. I have been surrounded by HIGH maintenance selfish people and now realize if I don't get away from them I will never have the life I want. Guilt has been used to make me a virtual slave and the most ridiculous part of it is it wasn't my guilt but my present husband's. I have been paying for that assholes sins for 28 years and I'm done. He's confused and scared because his usual histrionics no longer phase me. When he threatened to kill himself the last time I asked him what I could do to help. I have wanted a divorce for the last seven years but he clings like a child except it's more like that scene in 'The Guardian' when the couple are in the water and the husband almost drowns his wife saving himself. That's Randy. No sacrifice was too great for ME to make. I will explain in another post why I do not just leave and file for divorce. I have separation issues due to circumstances in my previous marriage which I will talk about in the aforementioned post.
My epiphany... I no longer want have a man in my life. If there was a man out there who could deal with coming around every now and then and yes I am talking about sex but so much more. If I could find a man who wouldn't be jealous of the fact that I don't want him in my life all the time. I need my solitude. I am Pisces of the type that absorbs others emotions and when I am around people for long my emotional well being is severely jeopardized. Especially drama queens and the fecking world seems full of these ijits running around.
I live in my own world and I always have. I entered it when I was a small child in order to protect myself. My mother was a sick woman and I was her captive. She was physically and emotionally abusive. She constantly put me into dangerous sexual situations [it took me along time to realize she was determined to make a whore of me] It made her furious that I chose not to take the path of just about every female I ever knew growing up in Bumfuck WV.
I determined from an early age the only thing in my life I could control was my body and my mind. I used to walk three miles to go to the library to get books. If it hadn't been for books I would have killed myself , not being able to escape into books and music for me would have meant certain death. Ever see 'Matilda' ? I associate with that movie a lot. Except we were dirt poor with no father and I never had a Miss Honey.
All the girls I went to school with thought I was having sex because of guys chasing me but what they didn't realize was that that was why they were chasing. Once they get what they want they no longer pursue. Guys are assholes and users. Get pissed if you want because you know it's true. Women are bitches and users .
I used her she used me but neither one cared
We were getting our share
Working on the night moves
Bob Seger
When it's a mutual decision and both know the deal it could work. I'm not talking about friends with benefits, yet another immature look at human nature. Bollocks ,you don't share your body with someone then pretend it wasn' t that big a deal. If you are that type you have my sympathy. I'm talking about two people who are sexually and intellectually compatible but don't feel the need to cling to each other for support. If you can't stand on your own you can't be some one's strength when they need it. I've always thought that if I ever found a man who had certain music in his collection I would know he was the soul mate I have been searching for in this lifetime. The next post will be a list of music that is important to me. I will add to this list as the relevance strikes me but for now I will list the basics.
Maybe if someone stumbles across this blog sometime after I'm gone and they have some time on their hands ,they can listen to the music , watch the movies I talk about and for God's sake read, read anything but please be capable of reading and get to know me and my ways. No judging now because we are all damaged. Just some more than others. I belong in the some group.
My 'book' about Keanu is called "Damaged People". When you think about how crazy it all was, my imaginary tryst , you will think how can I be anything but damaged. If it hadn't been for that going on in my life I don't know what I would have done. I will always be grateful to him for saving me and I don't mean that as a crazy stalker kind of thing. The whole point of making it about someone famous is so that you know in your heart it can never happen but your mind can take you on a fantastic journey completely to your liking. Where else can you get that kind of guarantee ?
It's been sixteen years now that he has been in my head. I started writing it out about a year ago because I can't clear my thoughts and I may yet work it into a screen play using others in the script of course , not so personal. So thank you Keanu for sharing this time with me and saving me in every way I could be saved. " Forever your slave".
This blog is like putting a note in a bottle to me. I won't mind if a stranger one day finds it in fact I hope maybe someone of like mind think may one day and realize they are not alone, but I am very self conscious of people I know reading this because I am putting myself out here and that is something I don't do. The less people know about you the less damage they can do to you. When Vic told me about this I didn't believe you could do it and not have other people have access unless they stumble across it but here it is and I can't believe how much better I feel getting all this shit out of my head and putting it away, make it a memory. Throw away the bad and count your blessings for the good. Believe in karma and it will believe in you. My karma is cool right now.
Well I have a cherry rush blunt rolled and an ice cold Bud and Eddie and the Cruisers on the stereo, the sun is out and I'm wishing that fantasy lover of mine really existed to share it but he's always in my mind, not on it but in it. I can call on him whenever I need him and that is why he is preferable to the real thing. Keanu Reeves couldn't possibly live up to the man I've created in my mind nor would he want to , and of course I am not the woman I write about in my book, she is also what I want to be and not the real thing. I am so grateful to him for being the muse and model who has given me the gift of true love with a man who will never let me down. After all I won't let him will I?
It is all up to me...
I'm going over to the dark side for now , I believe I might just spend the day there.
Dark side's calling now nothing is real
She'll never know just how I feel
From out of the shadows she walks like a dream
Makes me feel crazy, makes me feel so mean...
John Cafferty and The Beaver Brown Band
Cheers, Amelie
PS. I list the names of the the people of songs , books , movies and quotes as I do because I don't want to be guilty of using their work without giving them credit. If I forget sometimes in my mad rush to put pen to paper I am truly sorry.
