You can cry , but don't cry for me
I can't take it no more , that's the way it must be
You can't lie , your way back in
Back into my heart , I won't let it be broken again
I took a tumble , started to stumble , that's when I fell
Into a love I felt was sent from above , I was under your spell
All the things that mattered were broken and shattered, one by one
I was so sad , now I'm just glad that it's over and done
There's just one thing , I've got to say
I really loved you , but now I'm walking away
I truly loved you , I put no one above you
That's why I'm walking away
Jonny Lang
No matter how hard you try you can not make love out nothing at all. [Sorry Air Supply you were wrong]
My husband recently drove to WV to visit his father. It's a good thing because his dad just had a heart attack and is in bad shape. I love it when he leaves and I have some peace from him . He is the most high maintenance person I have ever met. He's a drama queen of the worst kind. You know the type , he doesn't get a headache , it's a tumor , he doesn't catch a cold , it's some exotic flu. He has always placed himself above others. His mother was the biggest hypochondriac I ever knew and he is well on his way to becoming her every day. His mother is the only person I ever really felt any animosity towards. She was a manipulative , selfish , hate filled woman. I never knew her to say a kind word about anyone. [ there will be postings in the future about this woman as I have a lot of angst to work out there] k back on subject
It's a five hour drive so I told him I wanted him to listen to the cd I had in. It was Wander This World by Jonny Lang. Now in over ten hours on the road you would think a man would find the time to at least listen to one song, right? What an asshole. When I asked him if he listened to it he lied. He has heard the cd Lie To Me because of traveling with me but I have never shared Wander This World with him. He could remember the song Lie To Me but that was it and this is the one he started singing pretending he had listened to the cd. I didn't even say anything.
There's a Brooks and Dunn song that goes " I'm still hurting from the last time, you walked on this heart of mine , there's not much left here to believe in , you let me down so many times." [ I know I quote songs a lot but songwriters are our modern day poets and they express is so much better than I do]
My first husband was so much smarter. He learned to pay attention to what music I was listening to so he would know what kind of mood I was in. Of course he actually liked music. My current husband played me badly. He has spent his life pretending to be a person he isn't. He doesn't even know who he is he has been putting on an act so long.
I first met him in the first grade. The first semester we went to school together before we moved and he brought a note to me in my class. He actually came to the door and asked the teacher if he could give me a note. She was taken aback but let him give it to me. I was so embarrassed I could die. I DO NOT like being the center of attention. It makes me uncomfortable and self conscious. This was a prelude of his behaviour in front of people. In all the time we have been together [TOO FUCKING LONG] I can count on one hand the times he has gotten me a gift. Every time was only if it would be in front of people. It was never a gift I even wanted it was just a way of him making a big production of it. I despise it when people make a public production of things. I see nothing romantic about being proposed to on a screen at a game or by some dramatic gesture. It pisses me off the way he only does anything if there is an audience. This isn't about me and never has been. It's all about him. I don't like what I have become. I don't like women or men who complain about their spouses or significant others. I also don't like the ones who belittle the ones they are with. Why the hell are you with someone you feel that way about? I am asking myself that same question but I have some serious separation issues which I will address but for now it is still too private. Maybe after I do this awhile and feel safer. I'm like an animal who has been beaten too much. I'm always covering up the soft spots so they can't kick me there. I've been beaten down most of my life , actually beaten [my mother had some serious problems] and then the metaphorical beatings too. I'm not a victim but things haven't been as easy as they could have been. So what the hell , does anyone get the fairy tale? If they do I never met them.
Some will lie [ Oh the girl down the street says her husband it neat and makes it sound so true, while he's taking his shoes off she's putting hers on , she's got the Friday night blues. John Conley] others are sympathy whores. Please feel sorry for me I am so sad. Poor pitiful me. These people can have everything handed to them on a platter and will whine about how they didn't get enough. They will never get enough. They are emotional vampires and when you finally get away from them you are completely exhausted from the drama of their lives. This is how they keep you in their lives , by making you feel guilty that they have it so bad and only you can make it better. Stop for a minute and see if you know someone like this. They will destroy your life given the chance. They will try to make you responsible for their happiness although they are not capable of being happy because they are never fulfilled.
Run , run , run , run away. If you have to beat them off with a stick but get away and you will then be able to see them in the light of day. They are fake and empty and that's why they need you to bleed off of. They will take your soul and destroy it and tell you it's because they LOVE you and NEED you so much.
If you love someone you will endure pain so that they don't have to, you want what's best for their happiness even if that doesn't include you. You will sacrifice for their well being.
Unconditional love means they don't have to love you back. Unconditional love is they only true love , that's why it's so rare. This is what I wanted. This is what I needed. Maybe on my next go round the karmic circle I will find it.
They only advise I will offer is this , stay away from people who claim to only need you. The needy ones will use you up and throw you away then they move on to their next host , and believe me they always move on if you shut them down. They are the ones who are incomplete but they will insist it is you and they are helping you , not the other way around. They are always reminding you how much you owe them for being there for you but have they really ever been there for you , or was it for them. You know how you can find out. Don't play the game. Ask yourself some hard questions. Do they want you to be happy , even if it means not being with them ? Do they want you to have no relationships while they go on with their lives , even having kids with other people yet telling you that it is you they want. If this were true they would be waiting for you , until you were ready wouldn't they ? They just keep you hanging on. Let them go , they will be fine , believe me you aren't as important to them as they say. You serve a purpose in their lives but they don't really care about you. If they guilt you into being in their lives they are not worthy.
Amazing how easy it is to give advise yet so much more difficult to follow it. I'm waking up. That's how I've always seen my revelations. This would be easier if not for past happenings. Leaving men has not exactly worked out for me. They don't want to let go and I don't understand it. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
My husband has a potent weapon he has used our whole marriage but it has lost it's effectiveness. Things that have happened to me in the past when I have left were devastating to me and this bastard used it to keep me around. I know he wants me to at least hate him but that's not my way. I either love you or I leave you alone. Hate takes too much energy and gives them power over you. I still love my mother [she hates me for that] and with everything she did to me if I don't hate her I guess I can manage anyone else. I wish leaving was just walking out the door. Other people do it all the time without causing anyone to die so why not me? If I am a changeling as my mother always said why was I put in an environment that had so little regard for me? If it hadn't been for music and books I would have died. I learned to live a life in my head so I could survive but now it seems that is all I will ever have. Life in my head is great , hell Keanu Reeves loves me there , but it is not really a substitute for the real thing.
" There is , unseen by most , an under world , a place that is just as real but not as brightly lit, a dark side...
My dark side is unfortunately the real world while my bright side is in my head.
Fuck it , in my world life is good and people are loving and happy.
There are worse things.
Cheers , Amelie
