I wake up happy.
It really pisses off the people I know.
It's not like they couldn't wake up happy too.
It really is a matter of choice.
I like to get my writing done before my husband gets up for this very reason.
By the time he shuffles thru bitching and moaning and telling me what it is I need to do for him for the day , ( there is always something that I have to do for him )
complains about the cats and makes the huge production out of getting up that he does my mood is usually shot.
I know there are other people like me. They can't all be like the ones I'm surrounded by at the moment.
My family and husband try to convince me there's something wrong with me because they are all bitchy people.
They just can't understand that they're the ones that there's something wrong with.
I was raised in a narcissistic family.
That's why my husband being one wasn't unusual for me.
Since I finally got to understand the disease my mindset is changing on how I deal with them.
I see them now as the selfish , arrogant and uncaring excuses for humans that they choose to be.
There isn't anything wrong with me , besides morphing in and out of my fantasy world and the so called real world.
You know I tried living in the real world and I'm just not capable of existing in a place where people don't care and are only looking out for themselves.
My birthday is coming around and not only will it pass unnoticed but a few days afterward they will actually blame me for not reminding them of it.
Every year it's the same thing.
They ignore my birthday because it's easier than bothering themselves to get a card or something.
I've never had a birthday party.
Another secret revealed.
No one believes you if you tell them that so you learn not to.
It's easier not to engage in the conversation than to have to explain yourself.
A lot of times when being forced to participate I've even lied rather than have people know certain things.
Mostly I don't engage. Hence I'm considered aloof and a loner.
The worst part of being abused as a child is that you never feel as worthy as other people.
The shame does that to you.
Now you shouldn't be ashamed of the fact that you never had a birthday party but it's just so fucking weird that you don't want people to know.
So I never had a birthday party.
Neither had my brother until I started giving them to him.
It's odd because my mother will insist her birthday be treated as a huge celebration and yet never gave her children a single party.
My husband's the same way , he celebrates his birthday the whole month but has never so much as gotten me a card.
He always says he meant to and for years I would ease his guilt because of course I didn't feel I was entitled to any acknowledgement , but we don't play the game anymore.
I was allowed once to go to my cousin Vickie's birthday party when we were about seven.
I was so shocked.
I mean there was cake and ice cream and presents and lots of other kids playing games and having fun.
To this day when I want to indulge myself I have a little microwave cake with a
single serving ice cream cup and potato chips with a Pepsi.
That's what I had at the party that day.
I'd never been to a birthday party before and it was almost scary to me.
When everyone gathered around and sang to Vic I was amazed that she was the center of attention that way.
This has never happened to me. It's allright in a way I think because I'm not comfortable when the attention is on me anyway.
My mother was determined I would never know what it felt like to have people care about you.
My mother's favorite way of dealing with her frustration was screaming
" I should have killed you the day you were born and had a real life , nobody cares if you live or die and if I put you in the ground tomorrow no one would bother to come to your funeral ".
I think after you're told something so many times you start to believe it.
You see according to her she made this great sacrifice by allowing me to be born into the world she made for me.
I always wished she had let me be adopted like the sister born before me. Instead I became her slave. A lot of parents do it.
She kept us pretty isolated so something like a normal birthday party to me seemed like a magical celebration.
My best friend's mom made me a cake one year because she couldn't understand why my mother didn't or ever allow me to go to any of my friends parties.
She sent it to me at school and everyone told me Happy Birthday and were nice to me. This was a totally new experience for me.
I was so happy and when I took it home and my brother and I lit the candles and sang we almost felt like other kids.
When my mother walked in that night and saw it she lost her shit.
Started screaming about how dare I make her out to be a bad mother and took the cake out into the gravel driveway and stomped it into nothing. According to her I had cried to my friend's mom and she had felt sorry for me and that's why she had done it.
You see she's not capable of undertsanding that some people are just nice.
She beat me until I bled that night.
She was wrong about me telling anyone anything.
I always hid the abuse and neglect because it was embarrassing for the others to find out how weird your family was.
They always acted like it was your fault for the way your parents treated you.
In the movie Due Date , Robert Downey Jr has a scene where he's telling about how his father left. It's kind of like the best day and the worst day on the same day in your life. Ever see City Slickers ?
It's a poignant scene and I felt it deeply but the reaction of the other guy is exactly what really happens.
He laughs at him and proceeds to tell him how his dad would have never done that to him because his dad had loved him.
You see people don't get it.
Robert Downey doesn't even try to explain it to him because by the time you get to a certain age you understand people don't want to hear it and think you're just trying to get pity from them.
You know what , that's the last mother fucking thing you want.
That's why you learn to keep it quiet.
I address this in Damaged People using a scene with Amanda de Cadenet.
Now I don't know her or what she's like , I just use her as an example of how some women have treated me. No disrespect is intended.
It would be nice if someone listened some time though.
I wish we had already eaten a piece of cake but I thought we should wait until she got home.
I was still young enough to think she would be happy for me
I know now she kept us so isolated because that's what abuser's do.
Otherwise you can see other kids don't get treated the way you do.
You see that their moms fix dinner and even breakfast and clean and do laundry. My mother never fed us because she worked in a motel restaurant and she ate her meals there.
I learned to cook at an early age to feed me and my brother but it was something I love to do and I'm pretty good at it.
Do you like to eat ? Then I would love to cook for you. I really enjoy it.
It's funny but even though my mom wasn't equipped to be a parent , she never grew up herself , she taught me by example.
I never wanted to be like her so she was my role model of what not to be.
My mom would have loved me being a whore.
She was constantly putting me in sexual situations and would be absolutely incensed when I wouldn't play along.
Of course in my mom's mind I refused their advances just to spite her and she was completely right.
My body developed young and it seems I'd had unwanted advances made from a very young age.
My mom used to make me go with her to visit a friend of hers , Virginia Harmon. Now I liked her , her daughter gave me a box of books that I cherished , Virginia was another abused soul although I didn't know it at the time but her husband Cliff was a fucking pig.
He always smelled of bourbon and to this day I can't stand the smell.
While they visited he would grab me up and rub his face as hard as he could on mine with his stubble.
My face would be raw for days after going to their house. He also said and did nasty things men shouldn't do to little girls.
Once I begged her not to make me go and she told me if I didn't shut up and take it she was going to leave me there and let him do whatever he wanted.
I had every reason to believe she would.
I mean he was doing all these terrible things to me while they were there in the same room so the thought of being left alone with him and what he would do then scared the hell out of me. My mom loved scaring me.
I wasn't in school yet so I was still really young and not prepared to deal with the situation. Anyway the end result was I did as I was told and kept telling myself it could always be worse.
I guess it could have but it could also have been better.
It was the beginning of my "going away " as I refer to it.
I escaped into my head.
It was the only refuge I had.
Now "shut down" mode is another thing I do.
It's when I have to completely shut down my emotions and kind of die inside. Some pain can't be dealt with right away.
Ah well C'est la vie.
I'm reminded of a Seinfeld episode when it's Elaine's birthday and Jerry and George don't know what to get her.
They finally decide on cash. How sad.
However Kramer got Elaine a bench she had admired in a storefront and a beautiful card.
You see he had listened to what she said.
A lot of people hear you but hardly anyone listens.
It's a lost art , too many people jostling for attention nowadays.
They're so busy shouting they never hear the whispers.
I guess I'm a whisperer.
I may get ignored and overlooked but I just can't stand up and scream look at me. It's not my way.
Besides I only want one special person's attention not the whole world.
My family is always surprised when I get them a gift they really wanted.
You see to them it's not about the gift but how much attention you bring upon yourself by bestowing the gift.
I've received three things as gifts in my life that were something I wanted.
Two were from veritable strangers and one was a leather jacket from my aunt Virginia when I was twelve.
I still have it. It's a treasure to me , proof that one time in my life some one cared.
I'm tired of accepting the treatment I receive from my the people in my life.
Basically I want them to leave me alone and let me have a life without them.
Even if I go thru life completely alone I'll at least get to do things I want to for a change.
I want to go to museums and art galleries.
I want to see beauty.
I want to live.
I believe it's time for me to fly.
Cheers , Amelie
