I haven't been shopping in awhile. I do almost everything online and don't care for crowds. I got out yesterday though because I wanted my books for next week and I wanted to get some of Madeleine Peyroux's music. She's wonderful.
I was checking out John Cusack on twitter and he had suggested her to a friend so I found Pandora and Madeleine. Who's the lucky lady now?
I got the new Gideon Crew and joyful , joyful Carol O'Connell has finally written a new Mallory.
Blake Lively should play Mallory.
I've been reading both of these authors for twenty years or so and never even bother to read the cover and see what they are about. They've never let me down.
I love Preston & Child , I always get a new word from their books. I love new words. That's how I got my twitter name.
Elegiaclament. Elegiac had been a new word for me.
A mournful quality of irreparable loss.
I really love short words with long meanings.
Keep it short and succinct. Easier said than done , because then would we have had the likes of Shakespeare.
I don't want to think of a world without Shakespeare.
I quit school in the ninth grade because I got emancipated from my mother and got out on my own.
Another dark secret exposed.
Ever notice the way people look at people they know have no education ? And they have a southern accent ?
I.Q. levels sink to below 70 in their eyes. I would have loved to have gone to school , especially college but life happens and you go on. At least I got to work at a college for a couple of years.
I remember studying for an exam one evening and my mother getting pissed off because I needed to get ready for work.
She finally snatched the book out of my hand and told me I needed to get my priorities straight. I was twelve.
I hated the mentality that because you had no money or education that you had to stay stupid. I have no formal education but I have a good mind and can be educated.
I asked my husband one time why he wasn't interested in something , I forget what , and we got into an argument that ended with him yelling "Don't you see what a freak you are , to you everything is interesting , normal people aren't like that".
I don't believe that , he always says I'm not normal whenever I don't accept his lackadaisical approach to life.
It's just his way of justifying his bad behaviour.
He is one hell of a justifyer. I think he can make himself believe anything.
I'm a skeptic and I like to hear both sides of a story before forming an opinion. He comes from a family of gossips who never say anything to any one's face. They say they are being kind , I say they're cowards.
You say potato I say potāto.
Let's call the whole thing off !!
Okay , I've said my affirmation and left my negative thoughts behind so I can continue.
Anyway , you can imagine now why I don't care for people knowing I'm uneducated. Also after over twenty years of living in Ohio my accent isn't too bad and I don't want to lose it entirely because I like softer vowels.
As long as you don't sound like those people on some show that's being advertised where a girl is having a bunch of guys city and country , woo her , I suppose you would call it.
Some kind of reality shit , I DO NOT watch reality tv.
I don't watch much tv at all. I will put in a movie and have it on for background but the mute's usually on and the music going.
Back to bad accents , everyone from N.Y. doesn't sound like they came from the Bronx yet according to tv all Southerners sound like characters on Hee Haw.
Sometimes that southern drawl can be very soothing. I loved Keanu in The Gift , not his character , I had known too many of those men , but his accent was spot on. When he's with me in my mind he reverts to it and not in the mocking way but in the I want to join you way.
Jesus , I can't start thinking about him now or I'll be lost all day.
Like I said I went shopping and a few years ago I noticed something kind of strange. For some reason teen aged boys feel comfortable flirting with me. It's like they're trying their moves out on me to see what reaction they'll get. I think they feel safe because of my age but curious of what response they'll get.
I used to get bothered by it but once I saw it for what it was I would play along if I felt like it.
I don't mean I would flirt back , not my style , but that I would let them know how their approach would be received. I like to think I helped a couple hone their delivery. I only had one instance where I misread one. I guess there's always one who will slip in when your not paying attention.
He works at a local grocery chain and this kid completely surprised me. He's about twenty two now I guess and he's worked there for a lot of years but a couple of summers ago I started noticing him going out of his way to speak to me or ask me if I needed help when I'd go in.
I think some relative runs the place because he works there whenever he's not in school. He may be a little older because I know he has to come over to ring up my beer and has for awhile but you know after you get older they all seem so young , don't they.
I'm not interested in young boys , I wasn't when I was young and I'm not now.
I want a man , someone who knows how to live , love and fuck.
I stopped there yesterday and Chris was there but not working so dressed in regular clothes and he slipped into the beer vault behind me without me noticing. The beer I wanted was on the top shelf and when I reached to get it he came up behind me and reached around me to lift it down.
Well hell I was startled to say the least and jerked around so he kind of had me pinned because he still had his arms up and leaning over me. I have a real weakness for tall men. I love being able to stretch out along a man.
He was smiling and apologized for scaring me. It wasn't until he turned to put the beer in the cart that I realized I had been holding my breath. I swear I was a little dizzy. I must have been embarrassed because he laughed and said I was blushing and reached his hand up as though to touch my face but he didn't. He knows I'm not accepting of any advances and he's never really tried anything but damn he gets me going sometimes.
I was caught totally off guard , I mean there was no one else in there and there was definitely some tension involved. I brred and said it's cold in here and made a dash for the door but he followed me out making small talk. I think I babbled something but made my way to the check out without even getting what I went in for.
My problem with him is that he's about 6'2" with dark , dark hair and brown eyes and he can make me laugh. If I was a young girl I'd be all over this guy. He seems older than his years but damn it he's just a kid.
I'm starting to think it's time to come out of my celibacy.
Not with my husband. I'm not being a bitch but he's not a good lover and I never really enjoyed sex with him.
He's the type who needs to act like sex is dirty to get excited. You know , oh we shouldn't be doing this , it's bad bullshit.
I don't feel that way about sex but it does mean a lot to me.
Okay more dark secrets revealed , I've only had sex with two guys and I was married to both.
Man , you never want people to know that.
They really freak out about that. I've never had casual sex. I address this in Damaged People.
I'm no prude mind you. I just feel that sharing your body with someone is the most intimate thing you can do.
For me anyway it is. The only thing I could control when I was young was me and my body.
My first husband was an incredible lover.
I was so lucky for that.
However he also started my breath holding with sex and I could never break it.
Now I was only fifteen when I got married and I think he only wanted to get married so he could make love to me.
He never fucked me , but he loved me in every way possible.
He taught me a form of auto erotica but not with ties or anything involved , although we explored that too.
He taught me to hold my breath when I would become aroused and only take short sharp breaths to keep from passing out. I'm told it increases your pleasure but I'll never know because it's all I've ever known. We were young and unlike my husband he did not believe sex was dirty at all. He understood how to make you
uninhibited and accepting.
We had an incredible sex life.
Later he developed an annoying habit off wanting to perform oral sex on me all the time. Now you think that would be great , right ? Try it all the time. Everywhere.
There is a time and a place for everything and sometimes it just pissed me off.
Plus he had a drinking problem and couldn't hold a job.
After I left I put all the bad thoughts of him away and made them a memory but I can still remember the way he would make love to me. To feel his love.
You know how if your on your back and a man will hook around your knee with one hand and put the other under your back to shift your body so he can penetrate you.
God I love that feeling , it's amazing how even a really meek guy will take control when he's got you there ready to go. Instinct takes over and only one thing matters.
You'll have to forgive me but I've been drinking and it's late , I still feel the heat from Chris' body and Venus is in Pisces which is always hard when you sleep alone.
I talk a lot of astrology but the stars have been there forever and we can learn from them.
I really need to stop watching this Kenny Chesney Summer in 3D DVD. (Amelie highly recommends.)
Music will do me every time. My first husband knew this.
He could tell what kind of mood I was in by what music I was listening to.
He was a Cancer so he knew feelings. I need to get out of this situation and try living again. I wish I hadn't waited so long but life happens and there you have it.
Damn I need to stick to writing for Damaged People so I can get that over too. I think Keanu has found a lady friend in Beijing so he may be off the market soon. I'm not interested in married men either so that it'll be what I need to quit him.
I need a real man anyway.
I need to be with someone I can share my body with.
I need some sleep.
I'm on that Foggy Highway.
I wish I wasn't alone on it.
Cheers , Amelie
