It's about tearing down the walls we build around us thinking we're protecting ourselves when all we're really doing is creating our own prisons.
They say write about what you know , okay that's what I did but I never expect anyone to see it because I don't need validation , I just need to be free of those memories I've put away. I don't need them anymore. I never did but I must be a bit of a masochist , Pisces are you know , because I'm the one who did it. No one else is to blame.
I did need a safe place to do it and this is it.
I check the comments everyday just to make sure no one is trolling.
I know I can delete this entire blog with one click so I'm going to lay this out here and pray it cuts this out of me like a cancer so I can live again.
All my astrological shit is telling me I have to open up that I'm too cold and aloof or at least that's how I come off.
The truth is that I'm afraid.
You see the more people know about you the more damage they can do.
I'm not a trusting person because I've never known anyone in my life that I could trust. I've led a really isolated life.
I make loner's look like the life of the party.
I wasn't always that way.
I knew how to shine at one time.
Anyway life happens and that's all there is to it.
Here goes...
My first dark secret , my first boyfriend and my first husband killed themselves when I left them.
Hence my break up issues.
This is the only reason I haven't left my present husband. I've reached a point now where I feel like I served my sentence and I want out of prison. You see it was a self induced prison.
My husband and his family over the years managed to convince me I was guilty of murder even though all I did was leave.
Small towns are horrible places , all the small dirty little minds and mouths. It's funny but reading that John Cusack is making The Paperboy that brought a lot of this back. Did you read Paris Trout ? Anyway small towns are no place to live when you refuse to fit in because you're disgusted by the people and what they represent. So what I've done is idealize it a little bit by having my character live out this life , of course she's much more together than I could ever be but that's the whole point isn't it , she smarter and nicer and of course more alluring but the others in the story are based on real people. I don't know them it's only the idealization of them that I'm after.
Poor Keanu , he's abused the most , like he would ever do any of the things I have him do.
It the idealized version of him I need.
The point is there's control. I've had no control of my life and I'm working on that.
So I've taken things that's I'm working thru and used them in the story. The isolation I feel started when I was five and my mother sold me to some people who lived on a farm.
I've blocked most of it but from what I remember of it I'm glad I've blocked it.
My aunt found out about it and brought me back but as you can imagine life wasn't all that great from then on.
I never met my father and had no grandparents.
I've been with three men my whole life and two of them died.
I refused to have children because I wasn't going to raise a child the same way I had been.
I guess I was afraid I wouldn't be able to love just like my mother.
But I'm not my mother , I'm not anyone but me.
In Damaged People there are things that happened to me I've intertwined in it but in the story I have Keanu helping me and most importantly having my back and teaching me to trust that there are good people in this world. I in turn teach him to love.
I've never felt safe and no one has ever protected me from harm. In real life there isn't any knight in shining armor but in my mind he's there and I can always count on him. You'd be surprised how much he's helped me over the years. I'm grateful to have had him there.
I've had such a weird life it's not novel worthy because people would think I made it up but fuck it I had to live it so here's the story.
I mean if this was you wouldn't you want to hide it too ?
Cheers , Amelie
