You never know what will set it off.
Funny how my husband felt the need to put on baby movies all weekend. First weekend of not having constant football blaring out for 12 hours a day and I have to deal with all the wonderful women who are mothers bullshit. See in movies all women who have children are treated as Madonnas who should be worshipped for having done the most wonderful thing in the world. He hates these movies but loves how they make me feel.
It makes me a non person. A woman without children is treated as a non person. A man can not have kids and it's fine but if you're a woman without kids you're a joke.
It's jealousy I feel , and envy , because I wanted kids badly but wasn't willing to have one with someone I knew wouldn't be a good parent.
I think in the back of my mind I thought I would meet someone and want to have kids with them. It just didn't happen and now this asshole has yet another thing he can use against me to make me feel bad.
This is the main thing I've learned about narcissists , they feel powerful if they can make another person feel bad. They don't feel remorse the way the rest of us do. You know the inner barometer that keeps us from doing or saying hurtful things is missing in them. Normally I don't let him get to me anymore but I guess I was feeling vulnerable this weekend and he's known me long enough to realize when he has the opportunity to do some damage. He never lets that opportunity pass.
So since I played the fool and let him get to me I'm having a dark day and need to find my way back.
I have come to the understanding that he is the main reason for stress and pain in my life. It's not supposed to be that way.
Someone is supposed to have your back.
He just likes twisting the knife he keeps putting there.
That's his problem. I need to get as far away from him as possible. That's my problem. The first step to solving a problem is identifying the source of it. If it hadn't been for the damn housing market collapsing I'd have been gone by now. Money doesn't solve your problems but it makes them a lot easier to deal with when you have some to throw at it.
Oh well maybe I can turn it into a new chapter of Damaged People. I do that a lot. I had poor Keanu's mother die when my mother-in-law died. [Forgive me for that Patric. I wish you good health and a long life.]
I had to turn it into something better than some hate filled old woman who caused enormous amounts of damage finally dying a painful death.
I don't like them invading this blog so I'm out of here until I can center again.
Cheers , Amelie
